Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.