Unimpressed
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Breaking news:
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.