When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You Might Also Like
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”