When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Don’t make me out nice you.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots