When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier