@AdamOfEarth: Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I'd love you more if you had super powers.

@brianbowman73: Her: How would you describe that green sheep? Me: I don't know. Olive ewe? Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101

@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."

@gwatts77: 9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?

@MunkMania: HIM: What are you doing? ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can't trust the banks you know. HIM: How much is in there? ME: $5.40