@schumoo: When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars. Meet my wife, the dream killer.

@Brianhopecomedy: Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie.

@iwearaonesie: if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument

@causticbob: Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

@HolycrapitsaKat: No thanks "protected account". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.