When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO