@SuperRandomish: When someone asks how I feel, I always answer "Squishy and like I've done something wrong"
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@vineyille: Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
@Duke1173: I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says "oh great, dinner and a show." Priceless.
@jimmytorosian: Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: "I am a rock. I am an island" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends