When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
*pokes sex life with a stick
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
fixed it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.