@FattMernandez: When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
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@NicestHippo: Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet
@GrantTanaka: "Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."
@AnOrangeSNES: *Snoop walks into a classroom* Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory Teacher: It's the Big Bang Theory *Snoops walks out disappointed*