@FattMernandez: When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
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@oxygenplug: "Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird" "Dude thats my dog get off" "why is ur horse so small" "Its a DOG" Why u pronouncing horse weird
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
@djdarrellripley: Cop: Could I have your name? Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence. *Send Bail Money*