Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My Plans 2020
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?