@FattMernandez: When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
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@rocket_roy: [Lizard Enterprises HQ] Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here? Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?
@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE] Him: "I love science-fiction." Me, trying to impress him: "I think the earth is flat."
@ieatanddrink: A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth