@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
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@LackOfShame: I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.