Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You Might Also Like
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
my name if I was in the mob
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me