@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
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@ElitatheLibra: Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean? Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war? Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
@mstluvstrinkets: Her: I'm running a little late. M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time. Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
@ThoughtOtter: [blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN