@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
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@Darlainky: Instead of asking "Are you still watching?" Netflix just said "Hey, pace yourself, we're almost out of shows."
@sannewman: Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
@BlindChow: "You lie like a doge!" I tell my wife. "So deceit!" I add. "Very fraud!" I mention. "Much fiction!" I point out. "Wow," she says.