@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
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@joerogan: That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we're flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
@VerifiedJayy: When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is
@Marlebean: Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see! *walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway* "Great job, sweetie!"