When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*