When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I love it all
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy