the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Natural selection at its finest
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Breaking news:
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”