*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Someone just threatened to call me later
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.