When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is