@thenoahkinsey: When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny
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@TheTweetOfGod: 'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
@PaulyPeligroso: When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
@ATXBOSS: Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can