When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You Might Also Like
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away