When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
A friend helps you before you need it
You wish you had this many chins.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.