when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Dead
Alive
Other✔
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.