@Jake_Vig: When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with "That is accurate."
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@Gwinifer: Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you're going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
@SamuelHLowe: That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
@gerryhallcomedy: Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.