When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.