How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon