Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo