When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you