Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent