When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it