@SomeChrisTweets: When someone ends a sentence with "af" they were hastily trying to type "A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME" but could not make it in time.
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@davedittell: "she's too good for him" "he doesn't deserve her" "she should be with me" "I need a good girl like that" --me looking at other people's dogs
@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
@envydatropic: I'm no auto mechanic but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes