When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*