When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure