@BBQJones28: When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking "they're just keeping me to themselves"
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@GuyThe_Guy: I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
@iwearaonesie: Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.