I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
uncle dave has been through hell
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?