@bridger_w: When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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@topaz_kell: [taking a picture] Me: "Make love to the camera!" Grandma: "Don't make this weird, dear."
@VintageKriner: "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark." The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
@TheDairylandDon: Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.
@DirtMcTurd: [Giraffes at gym] "What do you want to work on today?" Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet