@bridger_w: When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
@jakob_huber: Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]
@thestlouisan: -Crowded Restaurant- Me: Table for four, please. [seated] Me: Now, to get married & have two kids...
@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.