When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You Might Also Like
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.