When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Lol
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”