@AlexvanBeek: When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
@VancityReynolds: I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.