When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.