When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep