@Kappa_Kappa: When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me
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@TheMichaelRock: Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide. Even Breakier News: I can't believe there's 1,100 Radio Shack's.
@VerifiedDrunk: I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.