“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit