*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
You Might Also Like
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Brilliant!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
2022 will be better than 2021
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.