“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I don’t know what to do
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR