Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
You Might Also Like
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Matt Goss
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Twitter remains undefeated
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar