“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*3.5 thank you very much.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.