Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
What the hell happened in there??