@LooseTalks_Girl: When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
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@MelvinofYork: *watching tv Me: "Don't just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there's still time! God, I can't watch" Wife: (turns off wedding video)
@UnFitz: Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other's tramp stamps.
@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
@BlindChow: [mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that