MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
You Might Also Like
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.