@OneLastStranger: When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
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@MichaelTrying: My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
@XplodingUnicorn: My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
@JediGigi: [dont let him know you're a sponge] Waitress: *spills drink on table* GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn