@WistfulBlue: When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
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@sixthformpoet: If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
@markhoppus: Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
@MenMusings: The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!