When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?