@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
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@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
@ItMightBeJimbo: Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man.
@longwall26: Martial arts movie, starring me Master: You wish to learn to fight? Me: Yes Master: The training is very difficult Me: Oh then no The End
@samalmightysam: • You're born. • You grow up. • You believe in Santa. • You stop believing in Santa. • You look like Santa. • You are Santa. • You die.