When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
me when i see my girls butt
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?