When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
This will never not be funny to me.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Writing, She Murdered.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.