When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”