@facciabella: When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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@Rollinintheseat: *Speed dating* Me: "Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?" Him: "No." Me: "Next."
@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
@ramenfuneral: me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit kid: did you die? me: hmm