When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
so weird how every mom was born today
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S