@facciabella: When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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@trojansauce: [fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear
@SCbchbum: Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): "lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck)."
@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving