@facciabella: When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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@ssholeEric: Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
@iamspacegirl: Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too
@pixelatedboat: Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film "How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace"
@causticbob: To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"