When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
decorating my apartment
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind