When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!