@Sarcasticsapien: When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
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@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
@realHamOnWry: Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.
@Rebecca8672: Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid's Principal if he'd like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you're holding in your hand.
@farleftcoast: For Christmas this year I'm going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.