Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”