For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond